The birth story

This is my personal account of what happened, all told through bits of memories and residual pain. My parents, my in-laws, my siblings, and of course, my husband are the most wonderful people in the world. Thank you Ayah and Mak for the never-ending doa and Yassin as I fought for my life during the delivery, thank you Abah for canceling your trip to KL to be there at the birth, thank you Mak for making everything so comfortable for us and for being the person to welcome Ilhan to the world, thank you to our siblings for their concern, doa, and words of comfort, thank you to everyone who sent encouraging thoughts our way. And most of all, thank you to Ariff for keeping his promise to be by my side through it all. To Ilhan, I love you, baby, forever and ever.

Moving on to the story...

Ilhan was due on the 6^th of Dec, but we were hoping she’d come a little earlier i.e. on the weekend before that so Ariff would be here to help me through the early stages of labour. Alas! She was not ready to leave the warm wet place of her inhabitance just yet. So, during the subsequent week, in an effort to hurry her along, I walked around the house as much as I could and did all the squatting exercises I was told to do. I had never been so diligent with exercise in my life!

View from above (my pregnant tummy)

But Dec 6^th came and went and no baby came crying hello to the world. So I thought, oh well, we’re just going to have to wait till she’s ready and Ariff will just have to race back home when she does. On Saturday Dec 8^th, which was my birthday, we went to see Dr. Voon for another check up. She said that my cervix had dilated about 2cm and it was favourable for birth, and to our surprise, she added ‘Would you like to have her today?’ I had thought that induction was reserved for only emergency cases but we learnt that, apparently, as long as the cervix is favourable, you can induce birth, providing of course everything else is okay. We did think it would be pretty fantastic if the baby and I shared a birth date, but we didn’t know we could arrange for it. LOL. But Ariff said no, we shouldn’t have the baby on my birthday, simply because it was my birthday J. So, instead, we arranged to be admitted on Sunday so that I could have a proper birthday and so that he didn’t have to go back to Putrajaya only to have to rush back to Penang when the labour starts.

Leaving home for the hospital

On Sunday, after a Saturday-ful of birthday happiness, Ariff and I walked into the hospital as pregnant people for the last time (at least I did LOL). As soon as we checked into our room, I noticed that I had some bloody show. It was quite a relief to know that, even if we weren’t inducing that day, labour was going to happen soon anyway. Dr. Voon administered the prostaglandin at about 10am but I did not experience any pains. After that, the nurses had to prep me. I do wish someone would have told me about all the procedures one must go through once admitted though. For example:

• 1.       You are given an enema. And, sometimes, they make you do your business in a bedpan because they don’t want to interfere with the prostaglandin which was inserted just before. Thankfully, I was able to cajole them into letting me use the toilet. But still, a nurse had to be present IN THE TOILET WITH ME just in case something happens. How petrifying.
• 2.       A nurse will shave your crotch.

I just wished I was spared the embarrassment of being embarrassed by their ‘requests’. Oh well. Lesson learnt. As we waited for the magic to happen, Ariff helped give me back rubs and took me to the garden for some fresh air. It was actually all quite nice despite public-viewing of toilette.

Since the process had already been started, it had to be continued even if I had not felt any contractions that should have been induced by the prostaglandin. So at about 5 or 6pm, I was taken to the delivery suite to get my water bag broken. Up to that point, I was still very cheerful and quite excited about the birth, despite the fact that my mother-in-law and mother kept telling me how awfully painful it was. At the time, I just couldn’t fathom what they meant by ‘bloody awful horrible terrible pain’ (rephrased). All I wanted was to have the baby out so I can finally sleep on my tummy again. And of course, to welcome her into this wonderful world.

Once we arrived at the delivery suite, things started to move very quickly. Dr. Voon broke my water bag and put in a drip of something I no longer remember.  And the pain started. Oh the PAIN. All those things people say about birth and how horrible the pain is? They’re all true. It felt like a combination of very sharp knife slicing through my abdomen and someone hitting me like I was a punching bag... and it went on and on and on and on. It was achey and throbbing and slicey all at the same time. I had already decided on a natural birth so I wasn’t given an epidural. I must have been crazy (haha). Before I went in, I told Ariff (quite jovially) that we could watch the 8pm Thailand-Malaysia game on telly while we ‘wait for the baby’. Well, we did watch it, but I had my eyes and mind closed most of the time as I concentrated on not feeling the pain (stupid idea). For the next 7 hours, I was in and out of consciousness as I got lost in a fog of contractions. Thank God for Ariff as he helped to rub my back, coached my breathing and made me sniff the relaxing essential oil mix we brought along. Most of all, he held my hand all through it and didn’t say anything whenever I clenched his arm too hard. 

Apparently, my labour was quite protracted because my cervix was dilating pretty slowly. Around 11pm they asked me if I wanted some laughing gas. Like a thirsty man offered water, I seized the chance! So I guess the birth wasn’t completely natural, but I like to think it helped me through because I was already really really tired. When the labour started, I endured the pain as silently as possible by just humming and zikir, but as they became more intense, I became snappier and irritable. I told poor Ariff to shut up whenever he gave me words of encouragement like ‘it’s okay sayang’ or ‘you can do it’ (oh how I hate you can do it) because I found it so annoying. I think I may have snapped at the nurse/midwife/doctor too… oh well.

Eventually, Dr. Voon asked me if I would like to push. I had been refraining from pushing for a while, so once I was given the green light, I heaved myself and pushed! I don’t think I’ve ever used that much energy in my life! I could hear the clinking of surgical tools and people talking and somehow my legs were in stirrups, but all I could think of was pushing. But after I had pushed a few times, I could hear the doctor saying there may be some complications because the baby was facing down(OP position) and I might have to get a Caesarean. I could hear Ariff and my MIL (who is a pediatrician and was present during the birth) talking about it, but it really didn’t register to me. Dr. Voon gave me 20 more minutes – or else. Miraculously, the next time I pushed, the baby’s head moved in her hand! Yeay, no C-section! However, because I had been pushing for so long, both baby and I were tired so she asked for permission to use vacuum to help the baby out. I remember hearing her ask me this, but I was too tired to say anything… I was reserving whatever energy I had left to push again. Actually, I had been ignoring everyone for a while already and just focused on getting her out J. I heard my MIL telling Dr. Voon to go ahead since she (Dr. Voon) knew what the best course of action would be. And so, at 1.02am, with another mighty push and with the help of a little suction, Ilhan Mohamed Ariff came out slick wet and with eyes wide open into the world. And the pain just stopped. Alhamdulillah. Through my pain-hazed eyes, I saw my MIL hold her by the legs and thump her on the bottom, and then I heard my baby scream for her life. Are there words to describe the feeling of hearing your baby’s voice for the first time? The only thing I could say was ‘Oh my God, she’s real’. I wonder what Ariff felt when the nurses gave Ilhan to him so that he could recite the azan and iqamah to her… To think that the wriggly feeling that lived in my tummy for 9 months was an actual baby… Subhanallah.

Once they cleaned Ilhan, my MIL, a fervent breastfeeding advocate, quickly placed her on my breast. In my comatose consciousness, I felt her skin on mine and her tiny mouth look for milk. ‘Downstairs’, I felt Dr. Voon reach for the last clots of blood and I felt the needle sewing my skin together.Then I fell into the deepest, sweetest sleep. Even with my eyes closed in sleep, I could hear my parents and in-laws asking me how I was and saying how beautiful Ilhan looked, I could feel the nurses putting my clothes on for me, and I felt myself being moved back to my room in a bumpy elevator ride. It all felt like a very vivid dream. So when a nurse brought Ilhan to me at 3am for a feeding, I put her to my breast while in a trance. She was so real and warm and snuggly. When Ariff woke up, he held Ilhan’s hand in one hand, and my hand in the other. In a moment of pure epiphany, I realized we were suddenly a family of three. And I remembered how I used to feel the happiest when I woke up in the morning to see him smile in his sleep and the baby move in my tummy, because I was feeling the same exact feeling. But better.

Hello Baba Hello World