the walking makes me cry

Dear Ilhan,

Today, I realized something. You no longer crawl. At 1 year and 3 months, you have found your feet and you seem to be very fond of them too. Finally, after your first cold winter, your legs woke up from their sleep and started to pitter patter from point a to point b and sometimes straight to point z. Your whole body moves with your feet, your hands swing and your head bobbles and your eyes laugh and your smile makes my whole world spin round and round.

Sometimes, during your incredibly long journey from the bedroom to the playroom, you stop and stoop to check out a piece of paper on the floor, and you say 'OOOH!' and suddenly it's a piece of the moon or a piece of the sky. And then you continue to toddle toddle toddle with the man in the moon clutched safely in your hands and your smiling mouth singing a song only the both of you understand.

Sometimes, with your new habit of carrying a bag 'datin-style' hooked in the crook of your elbow, you go swish swish swish in your fancy imaginary ballgown to a fancy imaginary ball. I worry when you seem to be so taken with baubles and fancies, striking poses and making appreciative noises when we let you play pretend with a necklace, but it cracks me up to see you so happy to be wearing a too-long strand of plastic stones around your little neck. That smile and that giggle and that glee... I can't make myself say no when I should. I know I will regret it sooner or later, but to see you that happy, I tell myself it will be worth it.

Sometimes, you walk so fast your body leans in front like it wants to go faster than your legs, like you're skiing and the G-force has claimed you. Sometimes you don't walk as much as you dance, your arms stretched out to your sides or up in the air, your body going left right left right, your feet going left left right, your shoulder rolling in a bhangra rhythm and your head bobbing to hip hop. Sometimes, when you're upset because I suddenly selfishly needed to pee, you'll be walking so fast you'll land thud bump! on your tush and then with a wail you'll get up again and so it goes till you've either reached me or I've finished my business and have returned to you whereby you promptly forget me again to play with your singing block.

But my favourite favourite one of all is when you are standing somewhere, thinking a thought, taking everything in, singing a song, in a world all your own and then you see me or your baba and you just stop and walk-toddle-run into our open arms with the biggest most beautiful gap-toothed smile and you say 'HI!!!' like we really truly deserve it.The heart, brain, liver, gall bladder, eyes, bones, cartilage, arteries all melt into a gloopy mass of mommy/daddy and baby. Oh baby... That feeling is nothing I have ever had.

Baby, you are growing so fast. It's been more than a year and I'm still trying to believe that I was ever pregnant in the first place! Your first smile, your first yawn, your first fart, your first crawl... I remember them but I don't remember them because now you are really and truly walking. I can no longer hold you captive in my arms, citing your lack of independent mobility as an excuse to bury my face in your sweet smelling hair every 5 seconds.  Congratulations on finally deciding it was time to break out the legs but no thanks for putting me in this paradox of happiness for you growing up and sadness that you are growing up.

You are my sunshine but you are also my hail and thunder and my Alaskan winter. You are my frenemy forever. I love you so very very much sayang, but more than anything I am so very very very thankful.

Mama