yes, i feel you. from here
people tell me that i should read on the issue to calm my nerves, believing that i will take comfort in abstract psychological terms and definitive methods of 'child-rearing'. though academic logic usually helps me make sense of strange things, it does nothing more but overwhelm me when it comes to this scary and mysterious world of motherhood. there are so many things that i do not know! alhamdulillah, i am thankful that i've had training in basic childcare like diaper-changing, feeding and general upkeep of a child's cleanliness by virtue of being a big sister to 4 siblings (ok, i only took care of the last 2), but i'm guessing pretty wildly that being a mom is different from being a big sister. it's like what my father says about why he's so excited about being a grandfather: he can play with the child or even change the diaper, but when the baby cries, he can just hand the child back to the mother and not feel guilty about it. when you're the mother/father, you'd better know how to make that baby shut up or you'd soon be crying with it.
looking around me, i see that people approach child-rearing differently. there are parents who allow their children to do anything they want because they want the child to experience the world without boundaries and develop their imagination bla bla bla therefore finding it appropriate to keep quiet when their children wreck item displays in supermarkets or make another child cry (or just because they can't be bothered to restrain hyperactive children); parents who keep a constant stream of nagging in order to help children visualize the boundaries of the real world and warn them of impending 'hurt real bad' situations, sometimes speaking so loudly of how absolutely useless the children are that passersby take double-takes; parents who feel that they are the supreme-most-important-being-of-authority that their children must not only respect them, but cower in fear every time they hear footfalls and see their parents' shadow; parents who talk to their children like their children are babies no matter how old they are; parents who force their children to become like them because they feel they are the best, most amazingly fantastic type of human being imaginable; parents who just don't care.... and, really, the list goes on. come to think about it, there are parents whose style i cannot even begin to describe! so with observations like this and a new generation so easily bruised like peaches, i am left disillusioned about my own capability and, more importantly, fortitude in bringing up a sensible human being. is it really possible?
according to the psychologist Braumundi who did a research in 1967 exploring the link between parenting styles and the effects these styles have on children, parenting is usually characterized by 4 important dimensions:
- disciplinary strategies
- warmth and nurturance
- communication styles
- expectations of maturity and control
according to their approach to these 4 dimensions, parents usually display 1 of 3 different parenting styles: authoritative, authoritarian or permissive. the research was supplemented by Maccoby & Martin in 1983 to include a 4th parenting style called uninvolved parenting.
- authoritarian parenting: this is the 'because i said so' style of parenting where parents set the rules and children are just expected to follow without explanation. failure to follow would usually result in punishment.
- authoritative parenting: as in authoritarian parenting, parents set rules for children but are more democratic. they are more responsive to children and are more supportive than punitive.
- permissive parenting: this is the 'i'm a friend, not just a parent' style of parenting. as the name suggest, parents are more indulgent of children's behaviour as they have low expectations of the children's maturity level. they rarely discipline and punish children.
- uninvolved parenting: parents have low demands, responsiveness and communication towards children.they are generally detached or completely neglect their children.
these 4 parenting styles seem to have been adopted as the basic guide to parenting, even in today's literature. research has shown that authoritative parents affect their children's levels of productivity, happiness and general well-being most positively compared to the others. authoritarian parents yield highly productive but unhappy children, permissive parents produce problematic and unhappy children while uninvolved parenting ranks the lowest where children are generally problematic, unhappy and unproductive. source.
from the research conducted, it's easy to see that the best way to raise a child is to adopt the authoritative parenting style. but, as with many other sociological undertakings, it is easier said than done. how do you know what rules are best and when to break them or whether they should be broken at all? how far can you negotiate with your child before it becomes unproductive or even counter-productive? if you don't punish them, how do you support them and still tell them they were wrong? these are all questions that have no definite answers. as the people around me say, parenting is trial and error.
natural parenting. well, not really. from xkcd
besides parenting styles, another thing that nags my brain is the debate on natural-parenting. it seems to be all the rage now as it rides on the wave of the organic, earth-friendly movement. new parents now turn their faces away from chemically-unsafe products and 'unnatural' child-rearing methods. in our horror of a quickly disintegrating earth (and moral society), we are 'going back to nature' by buying more organic products, returning to breastfeeding and baby-wearing, and more mothers are choosing to quit their careers to stay home and take care of the children. obviously, these are all great things; i agree that too much tv is bad for a child's cognitive development and that children should not be fed corn syrup at too early an age. but what concerns and nags at me is the sense of anxiety that natural parenting brings. it seems to me that parents are becoming increasingly paranoid about the 'threats of the big bad world', waxing lyrical on how 'i only want what's best for my baby', therefore becoming increasingly over-protective of their children.
natural parenting advocates parents to be as close to their child as possible so that the child feels safe and secure. some go as far as allowing children to be breastfed until they are 3 years old or more as compared to the traditional weaning point of 2 years. its the whole 'keep your child feeling safe and secure' thing that really bugs me. i understand that the physiological benefits of breastfeeding are tremendous both for baby's physical and brain development as well as mother-child relationship bonding, and i agree that it should always be the first choice in feeding; however, i also believe in the concept of moving on, where the child learns to be independent and find security in himself. extending the child's lease on mommy security will only lead to the child learning about independence later than he should. it's like learning that there is no santa claus; the truth hurts but you need to know it in order to be a functioning human being. the same goes to protecting the child from harmful chemicals, barney, swear-words, and a world with no mommy and daddy. you can protect the child now, but sooner or later, they will need to know how to survive without your shield; in kindergarten, your child will know that tv is awesome even if you swear that he will never know the idiot box, and he will only proceed to find it somewhere else. sometimes i feel that it is not just the child that needs that security, but it is more for the parents. parents get too attached to their children and do not know how to let go because they no longer know who they are without their children. that is why i tell ariff and myself everyday, that we need to remember who we were before the baby came. we had a life before the baby and i hope we continue having it after the baby comes. it would be extremely sad to leave our lives now just because a squalling baby found its way into our arms one day.
well, obviously my writing skills have turned to dust as there does not seem to be a chain of logic in this post. oh dear. but it is cathartic. i will continue chewing on parenting and remind myself that it is all about balance. balance and common sense. (see, even the conclusion has no conclusiveness).
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