woman at work

it's been almost 2 months since i've started working at the uni and i still think that i have not gotten the hang of it. the novelty of the posher, more privileged ambiance of both the university and the students have faded away, but the challenge of teaching and other tasks that come with it can still make my heart beat faster, but not in that good 'yeay! i love a challenge' sort of way, more of an 'oh..............s***' way.

a few weeks ago, we had supper with a good friend who asked me how work was like. she asked if my students liked me because i was different and i teach them differently about different things and that i showed them the light and taught them to reach for the stars. i scoffed despite her genuinely glimmering eyes. because the thing is, i used to have the same romantic notions of myself if i ever were to become a teacher; i wanted to be like miss frizzle from the 'magic school bus' or miss honey from dahl's 'matilda'. how amazing would it be to be a teacher who COULD make her students learn SOMETHING, to allow them to DISCOVER their potentials and to help them become the BEST of themselves. how fulfilling and how satisfying and how gratifying to be able to live and make that type of difference in someone's life. but now, after a few years of intermittent but various teaching positions, i've discovered that it is not always possible if you don't live in a book or a movie.

Miss Frizzle, Lizzie and the Magic School bus off to an adventure in a volcano

when i taught debate to school students, i never felt that i was really making a difference in their lives; sometimes, as the weeks go by and i see no improvement, i feel disappointed with myself. but i always change my mind when i see them compete; it certainly is magical to see them perform so well under pressure. i then realize that they do learn, but they just never see the point of using what they learn or just never have the chance to when it's just between his peers and the teacher. but in situ, they often take my breath away. as cliched as it sounds, a teacher's reward is slow to obtain, but when it is, it is so completely worth it. and that is why i stuck to training school kids even if the money was pittance - that bond you build, if the stars are aligned, is magical.

but i don't think i've felt that magic in the current job. though i have yet to meet extremely rude students, they are quiet and unresponsive, no matter how i try to get them to respond to the world's simplest questions on communication or tense use. this would still be fine if they were actually responsible for their own learning, but they are not. i've probably asked them to download their own module outline (which should have been done by themselves in week 1) a million times, and it's already week 5. the blase attitudes about assignments and tutorial preparation grate my nerves. though i may not teach extremely technical subjects like business law, i do expect a basic level of preparedness before i start a class. but it seems i'm the only person in the class who thinks so. ohwellsigh.

then i think about what i am whining about and i pinch myself. because i am thinking of the students from my perspective of a teacher. i have too many expectations, i am too pedantic and i am too quick to judge. obviously, as a teacher, i have to have these qualities, but maybe i need to give myself some space and look at it from the students' point of view. 'having to start a class at 8am and learning things that i don't think are important for my life will obviously make me bored and unresponsive. or maybe, as a student, i just don't feel like speaking in a class. after all, i do not need to satisfy the teacher's need for instant gratification; i need time to absorb and understand what she's saying. '. maybe that's what the students are thinking. even if it's not, that's what i think they're thinking (because they're more likely to be thinking 'i need time to think about how to destroy melissa who is trying to steal my boyfriend and what i want to have for lunch and which bag i should wear with tomorrow's outfit'). it's the only way that i won't one day strangle them and get sued by their terribly rich parents.