39 weeks

Bun in the oven!

At 39 weeks of pregnancy, with the delivery so extremely fantastically imminent, I still sometimes find it difficult to believe that I'm pregnant. In about 1 week's time (or less!), I will be a mother. Phew. And my squishy squashy adorable perpetual-5-year-old husband is going to be a father. Double PHEW.

I have been fortunate enough to have a 'restful' pregnancy aka stay-at-home-sometimes-working-pregnant-mom. I have also been blessed with a wonderfully morning-sickness-etc free pregnancy, Alhamdulillah, which just rather compounds the unreal feeling of having a baby in my womb. It was only on the day that I felt the baby move did I allow myself to fully recognize the fact that, in some weird Species-ly way, I was growing a human being in my body. As the movements became stronger and more 'visual' (yes, you can see the baby move her limbs) and when I could no longer see my own feet, I gradually believed what everyone was telling me i.e. I'm going to be a mommy.

Before we decided to get pregnant, I had always felt a little apprehensive about having children. To me, children are great when they're someone else's, but when they're your own and you can't pass them off to someone else when they cry, well it just becomes a little tedious on the nerves. It's not just the diaper-changing or the constant sleepless nights - uni days were probably worse off - it's the mere fact that you are irrevocably, unquestionably, completely RESPONSIBLE for another life form. I really don't think there's a parallel example for the burden of parenthood. Getting married, for example, simply kind of sort of means you get a roommate and extra legal rights; however, if you feel one day you no longer want to commit to the relationship, you have an exit clause. You can free yourself from marriage, work, credit cards, habits and ideas, but you cannot divorce, change or terminate a relationship with your child when you feel you don't want/cannot stand the commitment anymore. When you have a child, you MUST be responsible for him/her, come rain or shine.

Ariff of course has always been enthusiastic about the idea of becoming a father :) If you know him personally, you would understand why, even though he acts like a child most of the time anyway. I think it was very gracious of him to have considered my feelings about having children and not 'forced' me into breeding immediately after the marriage. I am very glad we were able to rationally discuss the topic of children before we made the decision to have any. In the 1.5 years +- of the marriage, not only were we able to sort out our expectations about the family we were to have, we were also able to approach family-building in a more emotionally and financially mature manner. Though I realize that many people want to have children immediately after they marry, I still stand by the advantages of waiting a while, giving time for the marital relationship to settle, getting to know each other on all levels, and discussing expectations about the family first. I just feel it makes the marital bond stronger which will, hopefully, nurture healthy family ties in the future. I know for a fact that it's difficult to raise contented children when the mother and father are constantly at each other's throats about house chores or money woes just because they (mom and dad) do not have a system/SOP that assists in solving problems BECAUSE they never made time to talk about such a system. I can say more on advantages of planning, but I digress. I just wanted to say, out of all this brainfartfuzz, that I am glad Ariff and I waited to start the family because my apprehension about having children is gone. In it's place is just a rather unsteady chain of emotions like excitement, hope, nervousness, and deep satisfaction. But I guess that's okay.

I guess now, at 39 weeks, there's really no denying that I am to be a mother with the presentation of physical evidence and hormones and the overwhelming feelings. And you know what? I've discovered that I quite love it. I talk to my tummy all the time, stroke my tummy all the time (my FIL comments that I don't need to be constantly holding the tummy because the baby cannot logically fall out if i don't... or can it?), sit in bed and dream about tiny baby feet all the time... Sometimes, when I wake up in the mornings and see Ariff's smiling sleeping face and feel the baby moving in my tummy, there are no dark clouds in my heart or in my head. There's just light.